Stardust
by Sariyuki
Summary: Shounen ai. 383. Hakkai's POV. Reasons why he doesn't need a falling star to grant him wishes..


Title: Stardust  
Author: Sariyuki  
Disclaimer: Saiyuki is not mine  
Summary: Hakkai's POV. Angst. This happened after the last episode (eps. 50) of Saiyuki season 2.  


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The road was long and tiring. 

Why did I agree to this long and seemingly pointless journey? 

Was it because of Gojyo? I lived with him so when he went I also went? But that was stupid reasoning. No, it wasn't because of him. I was never one to follow others' steps without a good reason to do so. 

Maybe I went because I wanted to know what had been ailing the world of late. Maybe I didn't have anything better to do with my time. Ah, a thousand maybes... 

Maybe I agreed because in my heart of hearts I felt that this was the right thing to do. The road to redemption. The long road to reconciliation. My sins, I hadn't forgotten, all of these years. How would I forget? 

Everyone was asleep in the jeep. 

Day by day, we fought and fought. What for? Peace on earth? But peace was just another sweet word that didn't mean anything. Give people peace and they would start war. No, human minds didn't work that way. Peace was just an idea, an ideal, not really a human thing. 

What did we fight for everyday? Preventing Gyumao's resurrection? 

No, Goku was right. We fought for ourselves. He fought for himself. Not for anything or anyone. That's why Goku was so strong. He enjoyed the art of fighting and it made him even stronger as he progressed. 

But I? What did I fight for? 

I couldn't say I fought for myself. There's nothing inside me worth fighting for. I wouldn't put much effort to fight for this emptiness in my soul. My heart and soul had somewhat died together with the name of Cho Gonou. When he died, part of me also disappeared. 

I wish it hadn't been my heart. So that I had something to fight for. 

Leave me here and I wouldn't know what to do. 

Or rather... don't leave me here alone because I wouldn't know what to do or where to go. 

If I couldn't fight for the soul that I had lost, I wanted to fight for the three souls who had given me some meaning in my life. I didn't know since when this journey had become my purpose of life. And the three companions that I had, they had become my saviors. 

Their words, laughs and tears all had filled the void of my soul. When I looked inside, it wasn't so empty anymore. There were some real laughs, a trace of happiness, if I looked real hard. 

Because even if I despised my worthless self the guilt wouldn't vanish. Even if I killed my self a thousand times my sins would still be there. Even if they could forgive me, I could never forgive myself. 

"You cannot change anything if you're dead." 

Sanzo had once said that. I always remembered those words. It was like a shining beacon at the end of a dark tunnel. It was all I had but enough nevertheless. 

I had been saved by those words. In fact, I had been saved twice by two different people. How many times would I need to be saved? 

Gojyo saved my life back then when he found me on the street. He patched me up and gave me shelter. For that I was eternally in his debt. 

And Sanzo saved my soul that day when he caught me on my way to the demon's castle. Even if it's battered and abused, it was my soul. He gave it back to me and for that I would give my whole life to him if he asked me to. 

I would give him my heart if only I had one. 

The night had become so quiet. 

But this quietness I could bear. It was kind of peaceful to be out and enveloped by the darkness of night. I closed my eyes and sighed softly. I never knew I was so tired. I never knew that darkness could be so comforting. 

I slept. 

And I dreamt of Kanan. 

It had been so long since I last saw her smiling. 

I saw her dancing with the moon and the stars. 

She was ethereally beautiful, dancing alone with stardust glittering on her long dark hair. She danced and sang the song that she once taught me. She smiled and waved to me. 

She waved me goodbye. But she didn't cry. With her glittering hair, with the shimmering stars around her, she danced to the night. 

And then she was gone. 

My dream ended as soon as it came. 

I opened my eyes with a start. 

It was still dark. 

I could feel somebody's hand on my left arm. 

I turned my head and saw a pair of violet eyes looking at me. I put my right hand on his. 

"You were restless," Sanzo explained. 

I nodded and squeezed his hand, which was still resting on my arm. 

"You were dreaming?" 

I nodded again and pondered. 

What was the meaning of my dream? 

Kanan... she was no longer by my side. She was gone. Forever. Gone forever. That I had to keep reminding myself. That I had to accept. If only somebody told me how. If only I had somebody... 

But I did have Sanzo's hand in mine. 

And the place of the living wasn't with the dead, he said long ago. 

"Kanan," I muttered softly. 

Sanzo tried to let go of my hand but I held it tightly. I didn't want to lose the warmth. 

I knew I was selfish. I wanted to be comforted. I wanted the warmth that was Sanzo's. I didn't want to be alone. But what could I offer him? Even my hands were always cold. 

"Let go of my hand," he cast me a glare as he spoke. 

"No," I replied. "I need it." 

"To make me feel alive," I continued. 

Sanzo didn't reply. 

"Besides," I smiled. "It feels nice to be like this." 

Sanzo turned his head away from me but I could feel his hand relaxing in my hold. 

"Whatever," he muttered. 

Still time. There was still time before we had to go on our journey. I cast my gaze upwards and saw the stars dimly shimmering, blinking at me, and asking me my next destination. 

Soon dawn would catch up with the night and replace it. They were morning and night chasing each other's tail without ever really seeing face to face. Were they like Sanzo and I? I covered his back, protecting him, shielding him and seeking his presence while he was always behind me, watching and chasing after my shadows? 

We were together in this journey. 

But for how long? I couldn't see. 

I couldn't see what the future would be. I couldn't see the end of this journey. But that didn't really matter now that I thought about it. I would not worry about the future. I would not worry about anything at all. 

And I didn't need a falling star to grant me wishes. 

Because right here, right now I was alive. 

Because I had a place to be and people to call friends. 

Because Sanzo's hand was holding mine. 

And that's enough. 

=== End === 


End file.
